Monday, May 16, 2011

Feeling lost

The knitting progresses sporadically and there are as yet no pictures.  I have started half a dozen new projects and neglected the old ones most shamefully.  The only work getting consistent attention is the Red Heart pattern I'm crocheting on my breaks at work, the Scandinavian Snowflake Throw.  It caught my eye because it was free.  As usual my too-tight crochet gauge has resulted in squares that are a few inches too small, even having gone up two needle sizes, so I'm going to do a six-square-by-six-square throw instead of the five-by-five.  How do they get such big squares out of such a tiny hook???  Also, why the smiling model with the tortured eyes?

My capricious approach to projects seems to be the natural behavior of a wanton heart.  I'm beginning to realize that the faith I have professed for so long is wanting, and I don't really know what I believe.  To put it more accurately, I know WHAT I claim to believe, and I do believe it, but I don't really know much about it, and I don't know how to put it into practice.  All of my attempts feel half-hearted.

I believe in Jesus Christ, the only begotten Son of God the Father, Creator of the Universe and Mankind.  I believe that it is appointed to Man to die once and after this the judgement, and only through Christ and baptism in water and fire can we be saved.  I believe that I am repeating this like a good schoolgirl, but when it comes down to it I don't know if my life reflects my belief.  I witnessed to a few people, but I've never been much of a spokesperson on anything.  Everything is so personal to me, and I have a hard time relating it to other people, especially when I'm put on the spot.

I want to know more, I want to get involved, but I don't know where to start.  I want to live a life of faith, and I don't know what that means.

I feel like the whole world is falling apart around me, and I need to stand my ground and overcome, but it would be so much easier to lie down and stop trying.  What does it take to be like David, Esther, Mary, and Paul?

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